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Islamic Marriage Articles
Marriage: Quest for Perfection or Search for Happiness?
Written by Imam Hamid Slimi
Tuesday, 06 May 2008
Marriage is ultimately a quest for peace and tranquility
(FLN Magazine - Vol. 1 / Issue 1)
Finding
someone for marriage is one of the most discussed topics among single
people and specifically among our Muslim youth today since
relationships between males and females in Islam are not considered
right except through the ties of Nikah.
For those who have
chosen to abide with the laws and principles of Islam and hold on to
chastity and patience, marriage discussions are so fascinating,
promising and one of the best outlets of relief. Young people who are
struggling, dreaming or even fantasizing about a potential spouse (one
they have in mind or hope to find) often do so because the romantic
possibilities seem endless; they hope with abandon and trust in God to
help them find that person.
Our eyes and minds are constantly
bombarded with images and thoughts which bring new considerations and
efface old ones. Today's culture and environment have opened so many
ways of communication between people that they have taken away the
simplicity of life and the contentment which used to help us focus, set
life priorities and most importantly understand that no one is perfect
and therefore reasonable adjustments always need to be made. The more
sophisticated we become the more we demand and expect from the others.
The
universal expression of art, literature, movies and music has been very
successful in convincing us that "happiness in marriage must start with
a love story." Thus, falling in love has become the "standard" for
starting a married life. Consequently, the focus of many becomes the
search for love, or the cliche - coup de foudre - when people, who by
nature never like to fall, make the sole exception to willingly fall in
the ocean of love. Many want to experience what poets have been
ruminating about, what stories and novels have been relating to us,
what artists have been illustrating and playing to the world. Falling
in love in the romantic language means experiencing perfection by
tasting the ultimate sweetness that this earthly world can offer and
achieving a sort of transcendence towards the ultimate uplifting
physical and spiritual experience.
The question which comes to
mind is: are those looking to get married on a quest for the perfect
partner or on a search for a compatible partnership leading to
happiness? We certainly cannot expect what we cannot give and since no
one is perfect then why would someone expect perfection to be realized
through a partnership made of imperfect beings? Thinking that the other
will be perfect and hence will make me happy and content is an
illusion. In reality no one can make you happy and content except
yourself and when you accept the fact that you cannot expect others to
be perfect because you are not perfect either. In fact this quest for
romantic perfection is entirely self-defeating. God Almighty says, "Lo!
Allah does not change the condition of a folk until they (first) change
by themselves that which is in their hearts;" (Chap. 13 V.11). Only
once we let go of this romantic notion which is really a figment of our
collective imaginations can we begin our quest towards happiness.
The
million dollar question: what is happiness? Happiness means amongst
other things contentment, satisfaction, fulfilment, accomplishment and
achievement which are almost linear in fashion. Therefore, if I achieve
my goals then I should be happy. The Holy Qur'an states the goals of
marriage in the following verse, "And among His signs is this: He
created for you mates from yourselves that you might find rest and
peace in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo! Herein
indeed are portents for folk who reflect." (Chap. 30 V. 31)
The
goals here are rest, tranquility, peace of the mind and peace of the
soul. This is why the sense of peace and harmony is a signal that
creates that first acceptance of the other; the exchange of
inexpressible signals that follow then grown from acceptance to become
Mawaddah or spiritual love. Mawaddah has to be cultivated over time
like a fruit-bearing tree; spiritual attachment is cemented by the
spiritual enrichment and appreciation, which is unlike the physical
desire driven by one's biology that eventually decreases over time.
Having
said all of this, Islam does recognize the fact that there should be a
reasonable level of compatibility between a man and a woman over
different aspects of life, mainly personality and faith. The components
of a compatible personality used to be and to some degree still are
one's education, manners, perceptions, social upbringing and physical
appearance to a certain extent. As for ethnicity, race, culture, and
lineage - these have nothing to do with compatibility since they tend
to counter the message of equality, uniformity and human brotherhood
stressed by the Qur'an and the Prophet (PBUH) - in fact these elements
have always been the causes of division, conflict and even war.
However,
even this notion of marriage compatibility has evolved in our days
beyond character, reasonable education, etiquette, abilities and
reasonable material establishment. Due to today's economic pressures,
compatibility for a large number of those on marriage quest means the
full package that is a 'romantic experience with a wealthy partner' -or
at least a person with 'stable' income - and all the better if he or
she looks like a prince or princess. This has led to the unfortunate
raising of standards to the degree which is far beyond acceptance and
reasonable chemistry, hard work, a sense of responsibility and physical
compatibility. The search for mutual compatibility – something that was
relatively easy to find – has been replaced by high expectations and
low preparation for marriage which according to recent statistics is
one of the main causes of divorce today. The high divorce rate in both
Muslim and non-Muslim communities have surpassed any historical records.
According
to the Prophet (PBUH) marriage is something simple: "If someone with
good character comes to you to propose for marriage and you feel
pleased and satisfied with his religious beliefs and practices as well
as his character (manners and personality), then you should marry him,
otherwise there will be fitnah (tribulation and great evil) and big
corruption on earth." (Reported by Imam Tirmidhi and others) He also
said, "Women are asked for marriage for four things: wealth, family
status, beauty and the practice of faith. So you should marry the one
with faith, otherwise you will lose more than you gain." (Reported by
Imam Bukhari and others) Are we really following his advice or have we
gone off the wrong track?
There are several considerations one must make when looking for a future spouse.
*
Look for a person from whom you get a feeling of peace, tranquility and
a sense of security. This is what matters the most and the rest is
icing on the cake.
* For every man there is a right woman and
for every woman there is a right man. You only need to look in the
right place, the right way at the right time.
* Seek the help of
God by praying for your marriage. Even Prophet Musa (Moses) prayed for
personal peace and security and God immediately answered him when he
said, "My Lord! I am needy of whatever good You send down for me."
(Chap 28 V.24)
* Seek help from those with experience and
exposure. People will help you! Put your trust in Allah and in a few
trusted people who care about you and would love to see you happy.
*
Attend various Islamic gatherings at Islamic centers or in mosques and
engage in appropriate (professional) conversation with the members of
the opposite sex without being isolated with them.
* You can
also correspond with potential mates through third-party Muslim
marriage websites or advertising. Our methods of communication have
changed and there is nothing wrong with that as long as the principle
of professional conduct is maintained.
* In the time of the
Prophet (PBUH) the Sahabah (his companions) used to meet people
sometimes in his presence and sometimes in other circumstances. For
instance, on a number of occasions women used to come presenting
themselves as candidates for marriage and accordingly, some men would
accept their proposal of marriage. The Sahabah were very simple and
undemanding about choosing their partners so long as they fulfilled
basic religious and character requirements.
In our society,
generally speaking, we tend to put far too many conditions and
requirements that are not essentials from an Islamic perspective in a
marriage. Islamically, the basic things we should consider are religion
and character, all other requirements can be compromised on. Young
people have to stop chasing the notion of the perfect one and start
looking for the peaceful one. Islam is based on peace and Allah
Almighty constantly calls us to the house of peace. Marriage is about
finding peace within oneself and with one's spouse. Ultimately, there
is no one to blame for not finding a partner but oneself because as the
Prophet (PBUH) said "Allah has taken it as a duty upon Himself to help
the one who seeks Nikah." |
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Marriage Articles
